Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
