i dedicated my morning wood to you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
