Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
