i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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