we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
