Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
