1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
