So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
