so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
