Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
