I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
