Me. At least after what I've been through.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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