My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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