Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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