Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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