Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
