just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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