Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
