I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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