i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
