Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
