i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
