I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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