I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
