I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I smell like Dick and happiness
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
