Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
