Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Fuck appropriateness.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
