So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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