I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
