maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
