I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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