In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
