The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
