Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
