Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
