theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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