Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
