Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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