I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
