i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Randomize
