Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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