Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
