Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
