You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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