I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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