I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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