guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
