he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
