i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
