I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
