Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
